Dear Sir,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous 
and after being married for seven years and having seven children, I have come 
to the conclusion that contraceptives are totally useless. After getting 
married, I was told to use the "Rhythm Method" but, despite trying the Tango 
and the Samba my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha Cha Cha,
apart from which, where do you get a band at five o'clock in the morning? 

A doctor suggested we use the "Safe Period". At the time we were living with 
the in laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period when the house was 
empty needless to say this didn't work. A lady of several years' experience 
informed us that if we made love whilst breast feeding we would be alright. 
It's hardly Newcastle Brown Ale, b ut I did finish up with a clear skin, silky 
hair and the wife pregnant. Another old wives' tale was that if my wife jumped 
up and down after intercourse it would prevent pregnancy. After the constant 
breast feeding from my earlier attempt, if my wife jumped up and down she would 
finish up with two black eyes and eventually knock herself unconscious.

I asked the chemist about the sheath. The chemist demonstrated how easy it was 
to use, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't 
surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over thethumb, as the 
chemist showed me, can prevent babies.  She was then supplied with the coil 
and, after several unsuccessful attempts to fit it, we realised we had got a 
left hand thread and my wife is definitely a right hand screw. The Dutch cap 
came next. We were very hopeful of this, as it did not interfere with our sex 
life at all but, alas, it gave my wife severe headaches.We were given the 
largest size available but it was still too tight across her forehead.  Finally 
we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then I realised we were doing 
it wrong. My wife them started putting it between her knees thus preventing me 
getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while, until the night she 
forgot the pill.

Doctor, you must appreciate my problem. If this operation is unsuccessful I 
will have to revert to oral sex, although just talking about it can never be a 
substitute for the real thing.

Yours faithfully,

Mr 'X'