A young Italian bride was having a talk with her mother on her wedding night.

She said, "MaMa, I'va never been with a man before and I'm ascared. Whattama 
gonna do?"

Her mother says, "Baby, just go to your husband, and you'll know what to do".

So, the nervous bride goes upstairs to her husband and closes the bedroom door 
behind her. While she's standing across the room, her husband takes off his 
shirt.

"Oh, my goodness" she screams as she runs out the door and down the stairs to 
her mother.

"MaMa, he's a gotta hair all over his a chest!"

Her mother replies, "Honey, that's OK, he's a man, he's supposed to have a 
hairy chest. Now go up back to your husband."

The nervous bride again goes back upstairs to the bedroom and closes the door. 
Her husband takes off his pants.

"Oh me goodness!" she screams as she runs out the door and down the stairs to 
her mother.

"MaMa, he's a gotta hair all over his a legs!"
Her mother replies, "Honey, that's OK, he's a man, he's supposed to have hairy 
legs. Now go. Go to your husband."

The nervous bride again goes back upstairs to the bedroom and closes the door 
behind her. As her husband takes off his socks, she notices that half of his 
left foot has been cut off, Mafia style. "Oh my goodness!" she again screams as 
she runs down the stairs to her mother.

"MaMa, he's a got a foot-and-a-half!"

Her mother says, "A foot and a half? Honey, you stay here, I'm going upstairs"

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In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a 
virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, 
so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on 
her tombstone:

"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin" 

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men 
what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no goods 
they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply 
wrote:

"Returned unopened"

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A girl named Martha is opening a new bar but can't think of a good name. So she 
starts a contest whereby who ever can think of a good name gets 100 free drinks.

The winner was a fellow who sugessted "Martha's Legs". 

On the bar's first day of business, he arrived an hour before the establishment 
opened, and sat down on the curb to wait. A policeman noticed him and asked 
what he was doing on the street. 

The man replied "I'm just sitting here wating for Martha's Legs to open so I 
can get 100 free drinks." 

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A little boy walks up to his dad and says, "Dad, what's a penis?" 

The dad stutters for a minute and then unzips and says, "Well, son, this, is a 
penis, a perfect penis."

The boy goes out to his friends and says, "Guys, this is a penis. A perfect one 
would be two inches shorter." 

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